Pair of Twos
by otherhawk
Summary: Bad news at the end of a job leads to Turk doing some drinking and some thinking. Not necessarily in that order.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Ocean's 11**

* * *

The only thing Turk had wanted to do was creep away on his own, find a bar, and get completely wrecked. Seemed like a good idea. Wasn't as if he was going to do anything other than ruin the victory celebrations. He wasn't in the mood. Yeah, yeah, he was happy that Florentine hadn't killed them, and the money was always nice, but it just didn't take the sting away. He'd figured that no one would miss him.

He'd figured wrong.

Over the course of maybe two hours, and maybe a few handfuls more drinks than he should've drunk, the rest of the guys wandered in, in ones and twos, all absolutely determined not to leave him alone with his self pity. It was kinda nice, and he felt like a total pussy for feeling that way. No wonder Jilly had dumped him.

It _was _nice though. Like any other evening. Everyone talking, everyone laughing, and just cos he knew they were all focused on him didn't mean that he felt it. Frank's loud sympathy, Reuben giving him a cigar, Yen's lengthy monologue that made Livingston's eyes wide and made Rusty spill his drink on Danny, Basher trying to make him drink black coffee, Linus making him laugh talking about the time that he'd accidentally managed to lock himself in the wrong vault. Everyone had come found him, and no one was talking about Florentine, and certainly no one was talking about the fact that Jilly had left him for a NASCAR driver.

Not even a very good NASCAR driver. And that stung. Maybe that was the worse part. Or the part where she'd dumped him by text. That was pretty bad too. Really, it all sucked.

Virgil was being quiet. No mocking, no teasing. No eye contact. That was okay. He understood that. That'd come later.

He'd liked Jilly though. He'd really liked Jilly. Okay, they'd only been dating for four months, and he'd spent five weeks of that in Vegas, but he'd thought they had something. Something special. He'd made her laugh often and easily, he'd loved listening to her talk, they'd both agreed that nothing Chevrolet had made in the last two decades had been worth a damn, and that nacho cheese was the food of champions. It had been _good._ It had felt like something important. Something like Virgil had. Not that he'd ever admit to that. Not that he ever envied Virgil. He was _happy _for Virgil.

It hadn't been special. Not to her. She'd left him for the first guy that came along. And now he was single again. He hated being single. He hated dating. He hated being in a relationship. That was pretty much everything covered.

He pushed the mug of coffee Basher was holding away and leaned across the table to steal the nearest drink that looked like it had alcohol in it, and found himself staring. A cocktail. With a cherry in it. That was a little screwy. This really wasn't the kind of bar that _did_ cocktails. Certainly not the kind of bar that did cherries. He glanced sideways at Rusty, whose attention was all on Danny, shrugged mentally and accepted that the impossible did happen from time to time. The drink tasted like syrup and sherbet and he could _sense_ how desperate Virgil was to start teasing him about drinking it. But he didn't.

He hated this. It really sucked ass. Why could he never find the right girl? Not just Jilly. Kathleen in high school who'd accidentally-on-purpose snuck into the wrong bedroom. And Tina a few years back. She'd been into some weird stuff. Very weird stuff. He shuddered. And wondered.

"Hey!" he said. No one looked round. Apparently he'd said it in a whisper. Oh, well. Try again. "HEY!" This time everyone in the bar looked round. Stared, rather. "Hey, DannyandRusty," he clarified, names slurring together and his tongue was too drunk to be sure where one name left off and the next began.

"Yeah?" they said in unison and maybe it didn't matter after all.

"I was jus' wondering," he began. "You're pretty close, right? The too-close kind of close. And you're all . . . " His hand described circles in the air. "So do you ever get the weird girls after you?"

For a moment he was the proud recipient of ten absolutely unblinking stares. Then Reuben started laughing quietly to himself and amusement and anticipation spread through the room.

"Weird, how?" Danny asked carefully.

Rusty reached out and picked up his glass and seemed puzzled to find it was empty.

"_You_ know," Turk emphasised. "The weird ones. The ones who're into brothers and things."

Rusty dropped his glass. Danny blinked.

"You know they're not actually related, right?" Linus said slowly.

Reuben was laughing harder. Yen stared from Turk to Virgil and muttered something that made Livingston giggle.

"Well, yeah," he nodded. He was almost certain of that. Though it would be kinda funny if they were lying about that instead of lying about being lovers. "But they do all those things that girls like."

Danny bit his lip. Rusty's shoulders shook silently.

Saul snorted and leaned closer to Turk. "Stop digging," he advised.

"Right. Right." He thought for a moment. "And boys," he told Rusty generously. "Sure boys like them too. I mean, you know I don't have a problem with that." He glanced at Danny. "Or whatever."

Virgil groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Turk . . . " he warned.

Not like he ever listened to Virgil. "You know, all the walking in step and doing everything in unison, and twinspeak and telepathy and that kind of thing," he explained to DannyandRusty. "Your schtick."

"We have a schtick?" Rusty wondered.

"Girls _like _that?" Danny pondered at the same moment.

Rusty looked at him, a smirk on his lips.

Danny frowned. "Oh, that's completely below the belt."

"So you have?" Basher asked them with a smile.

"Yeah," Turk agreed, thankful for the backup. "Have you?"

"Have _you_?" Rusty countered.

Turk nodded miserably. "Tina, my ex . . .not this ex, my exer ex. She wanted me to kiss Virgil. On the mouth. And I think - " He suddenly found that Virgil had dived across the table and put his hands over Turk's mouth.

"Dude, shut up," Virgil hissed. He glared at Rusty. "What did you want to go ask him that for?" he demanded. "He's completely drunk!"

Turk bit him and Virgil yelped and let go. "I'm _no' _completely drunk," he said indignantly. "I'm jus' really drunk."

Rusty actually looked a little guilty. "Sorry."

"Sorry is easy," Saul decreed.

"Right," Virgil nodded grimly. "I think you should tell Turk what he wanted to know."

"What?" Danny blinked.

"It might cheer him up," Livingston suggested.

"Yeah!" Turk cheered happily.

Basher looked thoughtful. "Seems fair. Rusty embarrasses Turk so he has to embarrass - "

" - me," Danny pointed out.

Yen laughed and said something quickly.

"He's got a point," Livingston sighed.

Rusty grinned. "Yeah. Not my fault."

"What?" Virgil scowled.

"Rusty's pretty much unembarrassable," Livingston explained.

"Well," Turk suggested, swinging his arms widely to make his point. "Why don't you tell the story and even if he isn't embarrassed, we'll all know he should be embarrassed, if it wasn't for the fact that there's something wrong with his head."

Everyone was looking at Danny and Rusty. "We're not getting out of this, are we?" Danny sighed.

"Nah," Basher grinned. "Not a chance. So what was the thing that was below the belt?"

"Valerie," Danny said, at the same moment as Rusty said "Krista and Trista." They looked at each other in silence for a long moment.

Danny sighed. "Krista and Trista," he conceded.

"Twins?" Linus smirked.

"See, that's what I'm talking about," Turk objected loudly. "It's just not _right_."

"It isn't," Virgil agreed.

"Anyway," Danny went on. "I met this girl - "

" - Krista." Rusty put in.

"Right," Danny agreed. "And she said that she'd only go out with me if I had a friend for her sister. Which I did."

"Just about," Rusty said with a grimace.

"I _said_ I was sorry," Danny objected.

"No you didn't," Rusty frowned.

Danny considered for a moment. "No," he agreed at last. "I didn't. Anyway, double date - "

" - dinner and - "

" - drinks in this little - "

" - with a pianist - "

" - who wasn't exactly - "

" - oh, definitely not Sam - "

" - only knew three songs - "

" - and one of them was Leonard Cohen - "

" - exactly," Danny nodded. "And all the time Krista and Trista are doing this thing."

"An act," Rusty said firmly.

"Definitely an act," Danny agreed. "Double mint twins."

"A good act, I suppose. Practised Maybe a little over-practised All flicking their hair in unison - "

" - sipping their drinks at the same time - "

" - all that stuff," Rusty finished.

"And then at the end of the night, they say that they'll let us watch them kiss if we kiss in front of them first," Danny explained with a grimace.

Linus had taken a drink at an unfortunate moment and he spat it out all over the table.

There was silence and DannyandRusty didn't seem inclined to finish the story, and that wasn't _fair. _"What'd you say?" Turk demanded.

Danny shrugged. "We didn't want to see them kiss," he pointed out.

Rusty nodded. "Why would we want to see them kiss?"

"We said so - "

" - they didn't like that much - "

" - don't think it helped when you suggested that if that's what they wanted to do they didn't really need us - "

" - well, they didn't - "

" - don't think you ever got the - "

" - you think that I'm - "

" - well, you are a little - "

"Guys!" Livingston said loudly. They looked round at him. "Focus?"

Danny shrugged. "Sorry."

"So what happened?" Turk insisted.

Rusty leaned back in his chair and laughed, Danny shook his head, took a sip of whisky and said nothing.

"What happened?" Linus joined in.

"We kissed," Rusty said simply.

Danny grinned. "For a long - "

" - oh, a very long time," Rusty agreed.

"And then we exchanged deep and meaningful glances - "

" - and drifted off into the sunset together."

"Without Krista and Trista," Danny added.

"Shouldn't think they tried that one again," Rusty said thoughtfully. He stared at his glass again. "What happened to my drink?"

"I drank it," Turk explained apologetically.

"Oh." Rusty considered this for a moment. "Whose round is it?"

Turk smiled happily. More drinks. That'd help. That'd help a lot. By the end of the night he wouldn't even remember Jilly's name.

* * *

His head hurt. His head hurt a lot. And his tongue felt a little bigger than usual. If it was his tongue. He couldn't be quite sure about that.

Slowly he opened his eyes. Mistake. He groaned.

"You awake?" Virgil asked from nowhere.

Blinking, he looked round the room. His hotel room. That was something. Virgil was lying on the sofa. "Guh," he explained, which wasn't exactly what he'd meant to say.

Virgil laughed. "You sound like a dick," he said, and that was pretty sympathetic, considering. "Bet you don't remember what happened last night."

"What happened last night?" he asked. That was normally a question that needed an answer as soon as possible.

Virgil grinned. "You got drunk."

"Knew that part, asshole," he grumbled.

Apparently it was enough for Virgil to take a little bit of pity on him. "You told Danny and Rusty they were too close. And that they do things that girls like. And then you told Rusty that you were okay with him liking guys. And you called them psychic. And you told everyone about Tina. And when I finally dragged you out of the bar, you were trying to teach Linus how to line dance."

"I don't know how to line dance," he objected.

"Couldn't tell you that last night," Virgil told him cheerfully.

He groaned again and closed his eyes. "Kill me now," he requested. He got dumped and he humiliated himself. There was no upside.

"If you like," Virgil said casually. "But I was thinking that we could head to Daytona before we go home. Maybe check out Jilly's new guy's driving."

"Why would I want to do that?" he demanded, sitting up and staring at Virgil.

Virgil grinned. "I got a few interesting things from Bash and Livingston," he explained. "I'm sure that even you can think of _something_ we could do."

He felt himself smile. "Doofus," he said fondly.

"Dumbass," Virgil sniped back, and just because no one else ever heard the sympathy and the understanding and the support didn't mean it wasn't there by the wagonload.

Things were going to get better. They'd make sure of it.

* * *

**Need to practise writing Turk and Virgil. And not end up being overtaken by DannyandRusty double talk instead. **


End file.
